I'm Fine

“I’m fine”, is a common phrase I say when people ask how I am doing. It is so much easier to say “I’m fine” than to explain the struggle of finding food that is gluten free, or struggling to get through the day without a nap, or even explaining how hard it is to stand without feeling dizzy or getting the sensation that you are going to pass out. Sometime I forget that I don’t show symptoms like other diseases, and people can’t actually see that I am living with a chronic illness.

Yesterday I was not fine, and it was evident that I was not okay. Yesterday afternoon I started getting sharp chest pain, which is not a normal symptom for me so I was a little concerned. I decided to go to a clinic to see if I can get an EKG to make sure my heart was okay, but the clinic had no idea what POTS was (shocker…). The clinic said to go to the ER and I already was feeling like I was going to pass out, so I agreed that it was a good idea. On the way to the ER, I got significantly worse; everything was spinning, I lost feeling in my leg, the sun was killing my eyes, and I started getting twitchy. My mom had to pull over and call 911. It is so frustrating that most paramedics and doctors don’t know what POTS actually is. I typically take charge after I regain consciousness. When I got to the ER my face was beet red and my limbs were frozen. When I was at Mayo Clinic they recommended that if I started feeling significantly worse to go to the hospital and get IV fluids, so when I got there I told the nurse to hook me up immediately. As usual all the tests came back normal and I eventually got discharged.

A lot of people don’t understand what it is like to be chronically ill and they think it is no big deal. People don’t understand that it is life altering, and that I could not function without my support system. I would not have been able to continue school or gotten my symptoms under control without my family and friends. My mom, dad, sister, brothers, and best friends, Kelly and Camille, have helped me over the past two years so much that I could never truly show them how much I appreciate them and what they have done for me. They helped me get through so many struggles I faced and never let me push them away like I did with a lot of people.

Sometimes I wish POTS showed symptoms so people aren’t so shocked when I say I have a chronic illness. I feel like if POTS showed symptoms, I would definitely get pitied, but people would also know that POTS is a real disorder and know I am not faking. Since having POTS, I have noticed I have a little bit of social anxiety. I get nervous meeting new people because it is hard to explain that I can’t do something because I may pass out, or I am too tired, or I can’t stand for that long. I don’t want people to judge me based on my illness because I am so much more than that. Starting a new school in the fall is making me a little anxious in the fact that no one at Rutgers knows I have POTS. I do not have my friends near me that could help me if something were to happen. My symptoms are a lot better, but I do still get bad days. I know it is going to be hard to explain to my new roommates and friends that I have a chronic illness that greatly affects my life. When it comes to chronic illnesses, you don’t get it until you got it!