Anxiety is Not Always the Answer

“You have anxiety”

That’s all I heard from doctors, nurses, and even family and friedns after I came back to consciousness after I passed out. During the first month of my freshman year of college I started to pass out every time I exerted a little bit of energy. The first time I went to the Emergency Room the doctor dismissed me with anxiety and depression, and a week later when I was back in the emergency room they dismissed me once again with the same diagnosis.

No one was listening to my symptoms. I have had anxiety attacks in the past and know what they feel like; I knew this was not an anxiety attack. I would stand up and my head would start spinning, my heart would be racing, my legs would feel heavy, my hands and feet would be freezing, and then I would go unconscious. I knew there was something physiologically wrong with me, but everyone refused to listen to me. Doctors and family assume that since I just started college and was studying pre-med that it was stress, but no one really knew how I felt. As I was continuously told that I had anxiety I started believing it. I started believing I was crazy and making my symptoms up. I would wake up in the morning praying that today would be different and I would not pass out, but for a few months I was passing out almost every other day with no real diagnosis.

After having an episode at my pediatrician’s office she mentioned that I could have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), which covered all of my symptoms. It took another two months and extensive testing on almost every organ system in my body for my neurologist to finally conclude that yes I had POTS. When I was finally diagnosed there was a brief moment of relief. I am someone who researches absolutely everything, and during this time the Internet convinced me that I had liver failure, a pituitary tumor, Addison’s disease, and so many other illnesses. POTS is a form of dysautonomia that causes your sympathetic nervous system to not function properly.

My first semester of college was no walk in the park. Every week I had a medical test or was going to see another doctor, and my grades definitely reflected it. I missed so much class that my grade reflected my absence rather then the effort I put into my work and studying. Most of my professors, and even my dean, were not supportive or helpful in any way. They did not understand that getting thirteen vials of blood drawn, or having MRIs, or seeing a neurosurgeon can be very stressful and should be my priority. Not only did my grades suffer, but my friendships also suffered. In the beginning of the year before I became ill I started making new friends, but I slowly started to distance myself away from them because I knew this is not something most 18-year olds just starting college want to deal with.

POTS is an invisible illness that is most commonly misdiagnosed as anxiety or depression because of the overlapping symptoms. People will look at me and judge me for not being able to walk up a whole flight of stairs without stopping or having to sit down on the floor of a store because on the outside I look like every other healthy person, but on the inside my body is not functioning properly. My blood pools to my legs causing my feet to turn purple, my heart increases from 60bpm to 130bpm by just standing up, my hands are ice cold, my blood pressure plummets, and so many more scary symptoms.

Most college students do not carry around a bag of eight different prescription meds, or have to stop after a flight of stairs because their heart is pounding, or after twelve hours of sleep still feel extremely fatigue. Life with POTS is not easy, but as a person that wants to continue to live you learn to adapt. Life will always throw curve balls at you and it is what someone does with those curve balls that make you who you are. You learn if you’re someone who gives up or continues to push, you learn if you’re someone that complains or realize there are worse things in life, and you learn to live with the cards that were dealt to you.

Through this experience I realized the path I want to take in life. I have assured myself that I need a career to make a difference. My goal is to spread awareness about POTS and make POTS as well known as anxiety disorders. Through this experience I learned more about myself then I ever thought was possible.